So Long, And Thanks For All the Piss

Hi everyone,

So, that monthly thing didn’t quite work out, did it? A few people have gotten in contact to ask what’s happening, so it only seemed fair to let you know.

Shiterotica is probably finished. I’ve had enormous fun writing it, and thank you all so much for reading, but I’m working on lots of other comedy things at the moment, and will be for the foreseeable future.

Still, that doesn’t mean I never want to hear from you all again!

If you’re at all interested in the other stuff I do, feel free to follow me on Twitter, or friend me on Facebook. I do stand-up, sketch comedy, and funny videos all the time.

Thanks for everything,

– Alex

P.S. The archives will remain exactly where they are, and I hope people continue to enjoy them.

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Amazon Invation

Hello, readers.

I wanted Shiterotica to come back with a bang, so I’ve picked out an extra-special story for us. Something exotic. No greasy back-room fumbles for us, oh no!

This takes place in the distant future. Or past. Or an alternate dimension. It’s never quite clear.

This comes to us from ‘luckybaldrik’ of Shiterotica.com.

***

“Where the hell did Corporal Anderson get to? He was supposed to be back 10 minutes ago.” Sergeant Johnson raged aloud. Johnson, known to most as Sarge, was one of the oldest and most experienced soldiers in the army of the kingdom of Altyr.

Rule #1 of writing Sci-Fi: ‘Y’ is the greatest of vowels, second only to ‘X’.

He was now stuck leading a small patrol of mostly young, raw recruits through the forests in the far border of the land. Anderson was a headstrong, vain young man whose self-proclaimed best feature was his extremely attractive face and muscular body.

Are we meant to take it that Sergeant Johnson is narrating this in the third person? If no, it’s weird the author would just call a character ‘extremely attractive’ without any other real descriptors.

If yes, then it’s still weird, if only for the homoerotic double-meaning of describing his new recruits as ‘raw’.

In short, he thought himself the ultimate lady’s man.

Oh, so it’s just the one lady? He’s probably gone to find her.

“If he isn’t back in 5 minutes we send out search parties” Johnson then went about dividing his remaining 20 men into search parties.

Props to my main man Baldrik, that’s genuinely funny. Continue reading

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Not Dead, Just Creeping

Hello, readers.

I haven’t updated the blog in a while. Sorry about that.

The thing is, I’ve been busy. Ridiculously busy. It was a bit optimistic of me to think I could co-run a sketch comedy group, pursue stand-up as a hobby, go to university, have a personal life, AND run a weekly blog on top of that.

That’s not to say Shiterotica’s dead, oh no! Just that weekly updates are too much for me, and that the quality of the posts will suffer if I keep doing them. That might have happened already, but you’re all too lovely to say if it has.

Anyway, from now on, posts will be once a month, minimum, with extra ones when I have the time. Which will hopefully be often.

Now, it’s a bit unreasonable of me to expect you all to check back randomly, just to see if I’ve felt like posting something that day. In lieu of that, following the Shiterotica Twitter account is your best bet to find out about new posts. Or subscribing on WordPress. Or, you could just ask me on my regular Twitter account, @alexdhoyle, which will probably be enough to shame me into posting something.

Aren’t choices fun?

– Alex

P.S. Thanks for sticking with me through all the irregular posts and radio silence. This blog’s been tremendous fun to write, mostly because I knew there were people who enjoyed reading it. Thank you all very much for that.

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Nigga Luvvas

Hello, readers.

I have three things to say about the following story:

1) You can probably guess most of the story from the title alone.

2) It delivers what it promises.

3) It was marked as ‘Chapter 01’.

This comes to us from ‘JAMESBJOHNSON’ of Literotica.com.

***

Terrie was fucking a big Nigger when Liz unlocked the door and came in the motel room. Terrie had a mouth full of semen and couldn’t talk, so after Liz got an eye full of the show she said, “I think I’ll get a drink and be back later.”

Weird and racist though it is, that’s honestly quite a good example of In Medias Res storytelling.

Think about it: It pulls the audience in immediately, and instantly establishes the two main characters through action, rather than description. Also, there’s grammatical errors and racial slurs, so we immediately know the author is an illiterate bigot.

Terrie and Liz drove up to Capital City for a week of training, and shared a room at one of the better motels out near the interstate. They worked for Probation & Parole back home at Gulf Port, one of the large metropolitan cities in the state.

‘Capital City’, the capital city of the state of ‘State, in the country of ‘Country’.

Isn’t creativity a wonderful thing?

Liz went to the bar and nursed a couple of drinks for almost an hour. She called her husband twice but got no answer. “Disgusting cocksucker,” she thought.

Continue reading

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Italian Restaurant

Hello, readers.

This week’s story is a little late, and a lot of the evidence would point towards that being my fault. But instead of blaming myself, I’m going to blame you.

After all, during the last few days, any one of you could have tracked me down, broken into my home, and held a sharpened spoon up to my weeping face as you forced me to finish the post that I had been neglecting. You could have, but you chose not to.

Tut. Tut and pshaw.

This comes to us from ‘xcop4passion’ of Literotica.com.

***

The email read, “Sir, I wondered if we could have some naughty fun tonight? Please meet me at Esposito’s Italian Restaurant at 8:00 pm. I’ll be there about 15 minutes before. Don’t sit at the same table with me but make sure you get one directly facing me.

“I love BDSM, but only at a distance.”

Come on daddy, be there and be ready to be daring and ready to play. Hurry to me…I need you bad. ”

Your Naughty Slutty Young Girl,

Victoria

I don’t know what to be more troubled by, her flagrant disregard for the noble art of hyphenation, or the insistence that all dates must ejaculate on her father beforehand.

I arrived at the appointed hour and entered the small dark restaurant.

Italians, as we know, are naturally burrow-dwelling creatures, and must adapt their workplaces accordingly. Continue reading

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How Would You Like That Bagged?

Hello, readers.

Did you all have a nice Christmas? Ah, I bet you did.

But it wasn’t quite perfect, was it? The whole time, if felt like there was something missing. Something mysterious, something indefinable. That thing, I think you’ll find, was grocery MILFs.

Honest. This comes to us from ‘TatorLikesItHott’ of Literotica.com.

***

43 year old Staci was getting tired of the hum drum way her life was going lately.

Do you think Staci dots her ‘i’ with a heart, or a star?

She was tired of going to work, doing school work, running errands, and trying to make everyone happy. She was not happy so why did she have to make everyone else happy? She wanted more. More fun, more passion in her life. Hell she needed it.

…you can totally have it. You’re an adult. You have disposable income. Go.

Why are you going to a school you apparently hate? Just stop. Most of us figure that out by the time we learn to drive.

Everything was always the same. Get up in the morning take care of everything that needed to be done, come home, go to bed and then do it all again the next day.

I really don’t have an answer for you there, Stace.

I don’t know how to fix that, because what you’ve just described is TIME. You can’t beat the 4th Dimension. Look at what happened to Stephen Hawking.

She loved her husband. Loved the man he was, but for the last few years there was no love going on in the marriage. Sex was almost non-existent. That was taking the biggest toll on her because she was a very sexual individual. She wanted it all the time, as much as she could get, but it just wasn’t there anymore.

Stolen, by the Coitus Goblins.

When she and her husband Mark first got together they had sex all the time. Several times a day even, but that had changed some time ago. Now she was lucky to get it once a month. She didn’t understand what the problem was. Had he lost all attraction to her? Maybe he had someone else. Whatever the reason, she knew she couldn’t continue like this.

Speaking to him? Not an option.

She was still a nice looking woman. Blond hair a little past her shoulders, green eyes, high cheekbones, and her body still looked good even after having children. Her breasts were huge, 40DD to be exact. She had a bit of a belly pooch, but not much of one and size eight jeans.

POOCH OF THE BELLA

BELLY POOCH

Yes, she still looked nice for her age. She was still turning heads when she went anywhere. This actually started catching her eye. Being noticed made her feel good, so she decided to start dressing a little more seductive just to see how much attention she could get…

…This paid off.

All the Belly Snausages she could eat.

She caught the attention of 23 year old Jesse, a local boy that worked at the grocery store. She had noticed him watching her lately when she went to the store. She became very curious to see how far she could take this. She could tell he did not lack in size, because there was a few times she noticed he was getting a hard-on while watching her. She wanted to know for sure though, so she thought of a way to get him alone, away from his job.

She decided to “accidentally” leave her wallet on a shelf near where he was working for him to find and return to her.

Wow, she’s a cock detective.

Her idea worked. Later that day she heard the doorbell, she looked out and there stood Jesse holding her wallet. She slowly opened the door. Jesse smiled shyly at her and held up her wallet. “Umm…You left this at the store today; I figured I could bring it to you on my way home. I hope you don’t mind?” Staci smiled back at him and invited him inside.

Mmm, that relaxed, naturalistic dialogue.

As she closed the door she said “I was hoping that you would be the one that found it.” This put a huge grin on Jesse’s face.”I’ve noticed you watching me lately.” Jesse just nodded. “Do you like what you see?” Staci asked.

“Oh yes, I certainly do.” He replied eagerly! This made Staci’s nipples stand out and from what she could see it made Jesse stand up and take notice as well.

Can we get a cartoon ‘SPROI-OI-OING’ sound effect in here, please?

Jesse noticed that Staci was staring at his crotch; he grabbed her hand and said “don’t just look at it” as he guided her hand down to his magnificent bulge. Wow! Staci thought; this boy is very well blessed! This confirmed it, Staci had to have him!

I don’t know I’d call a human glue-gun ‘magnificent’.

She really thought that she would be the dominate one here, but she couldn’t have been more wrong; this boy knew exactly what he wanted and he was out to get it. Jesse put his hand on the back of Staci’s neck and pulled her to him. Her breasts pressed against his chest. He gently wrapped his hand with her hair and pulled her head back exposing her neck. He buried his face into her neck and started gently biting her. This action sent such a shiver all the way down to her pussy, so much so, that she could almost feel her clit swelling.

“FEED ME, SEYMOUR.”

All the while Staci was caressing his massive dick through his jeans. She felt him grow even larger. She knew she had to get her hands on his cock soon, needed to feel it skin to skin. She started undoing his pants. As she was doing this Jesse was unbuttoning her blouse, uncovering her huge breasts.

What I love about this story is that the symbolism is so multi-layered.

Yes, you have the eponymous bag boy, the boy our protagonist has ‘bagged’ for her own desires, but you also have the breasts, the ‘bags’ through which she expresses her lust and femininity, and lastly, we have the metaphorical ‘bag’ of loneliness inside of her, which she is attempting to fill with casual sex (symbolised by boy penis).

He leaned down and took one of her large nipples in his mouth and teased it with his tongue. Staci let out a soft moan and wrapped her hand around his dick; she started stroking his cock up and down. She squeezed just a little harder and gently tugged on it to get him to follow her as she worked her way to the bedroom.

Aha! Another metaphor! For what is a ‘bedroom’, if not a bag in which we sleep?

As they got to the bed Jesse picked Staci up and put her on the bed and took her other nipple into his mouth. While he done this he undid her pants and started working them off of her.

All while prone? That…is some dexterity.

When he got her pants off he spread her legs open and started nibbling on her inner thighs. Staci grabbed him by his hair and pulled his face towards her very hot pussy.

Jesse needed no coaxing at all; he immediately buried his face into her sweet pussy and started sucking on her swollen clit. This caused Staci to bow her back in pleasure. He slipped his hands under her ass and lifted her up towards him. Staci was still holding on to his hair and used this to pull his face into her pussy even closer as she worked her hips up towards him.

I have a problem with the logistics of this.

Surely, if your face is already touching the vagina, it’s impossible to be pulled any closer? Unless you’re planning to get your whole head in there, find the pirate’s gold, you’re as close as you can be.

Jesse worked at her pussy with his mouth for a little while longer then all of a sudden Staci pulled his face away and breathily said “it’s my turn.”

She worked her way down his stomach nibbling all the way down. When she reached his huge cock she grabbed it and started teasing its bulbous head with her tongue darting back and forth across the edge of it. She started with just a little of it in her mouth at a time slowly taking it deeper into her mouth with each down stroke, sucking and licking it very eagerly. Jesse wrapped her hair around his hand again and worked her head back and forth.

‘Worked’, as in ‘worked over’. Like it’s a tenderised steak. Or a mob informant.

Jesse pulled her head away and led her up on top of him.

That makes it sound like a sherpa led her up Everest.

She straddled him and slowly lowered her pussy down on his dick. Doing this caused Staci to cry out in pleasure. His throbbing cock felt so good inside of her. Jesse placed a hand on each side of her hips and helped her to work up and down on his shaft. Their movements grew faster and faster and he watched her large breasts bounce up and down as she rode him. His dick worked its way deeper and deeper inside of her juicy wet pussy with each thrust. Staci kneaded his chest like a cat as her pussy tightened around his massive cock.

If you wanted to fuck your cat, I bet that would have been a really erotic sentence.

Their bodies drenching with sweat. Staci’s orgasm started first, she tightened her pussy even more around his cock as she screamed with pleasure, her pussy juices coming in waves. Jesse held her hips still and thrust his dick harder and deeper inside her.

Yar, go past the hanging man. If ye see a stone idol, ye’ve gone too fyarr.

Jesse felt his cum building up. Staci could tell he was on the verge and quickly pulled his cock out of her pussy and told him she wanted him to cum in her mouth. She stuck his massive cum drenched dick in her mouth and sucked on it until he blasted his cum in her mouth and moaned with great pleasure as she swallowed down every last drop.

And now, we see the stomach ‘bag’ is filled, but what of the spiritual one?

What, indeed?

***

Ah, it’s good to be back in the saddle. And by ‘saddle’, I mean ‘mangy recliner’.

If you enjoyed this, why not share it on Twitter, Facebook, Reddit, or any of the other shiny buttons below? It helps me, and helps more people get to see the blog.

– Alex

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Happy Wintermas!

Hello!

This is a post to let you know that Shiterotica is going to be breaking for the holidays, to return in mid-January.

While we’re gone, why not check out the newly-updated ARCHIVES?

That page contains every story, poem, or fever dream ever posted here, over 80 of them. It’s the perfect way to spend Christmas, and the perfect way to introduce your friends to the blog.

Lastly, a big thank-you to everyone who’s been reading during the year, especially the people Tweeting, Redditing and leaving comments. Thanks a lot, you’ve made writing this all genuinely lovely.

See you next year!

Alex

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